Nickie Coby (puppybraille) wrote,
Nickie Coby

A sketch

I'm sorry for my downer entry last night, but I figure if I can't talk to my journal, the purpose is lost. I'm hoping to feel better slowly from this fog of negativity that seems to be surrounding me. I'm trying to be positive, but I'm afraid to hope. What's worse is that I pretend to be positive some times. But maybe it's not pretending, but maybe I need more human interaction. Maybe I need to spend time talking to people more, writing more and just trying to take care of myself. I don't understand why I just randomly feel like this. It usually comes after I start to find something true in my life. Usually when things should be looking up. I've never liked ascribing things to Satan, I believe that we need to take responsibility for our own actions, but I do believe that he can try to attack us when we try to get close to God. That's very frustrating, but I'd rather be close to God than have an easy life.
I'm thinking I need lots of exercise to be physically healthy and when I do that, I'll feel better emotionally. I have weight training next quarter which will help. I probably need to start getting in good shape for Guide Dogs.
Lately in school I've felt like a social outcast. I know I'll feel better at UMYS, and feel closer to the group, but I don't think that it's sometimes a phony closeness, the kind where I think we'll actually spend time together after UMYS and I'll fit in. But on Monday, I won't feel that closeness anymore, I'll maybe wave hi in the hall and we'll walk on our way. I must not let that keep me from trying to connect. I must believe that it is only busyness that keeps us from connecting. And I must remember that I have lots of friends where the bond stays strong.
I guess what bugs me is that I like the people I keep having these random times of connection with. I really want to be close to them, about only at "forced" times of tgrness do we connect. Otherwise, it doesn't happen. Whatever we shared seems to go out the window.
I'm wrestling with myself as to whether it's better to connect for a short time and feel that let down or not connect and never feel that great connection with the group. Either way... it's not fun. I must carefully weigh the benefits and risk and decide if it's worth it. My head tells me it's not. My heart tells me it is. Would I have made my friends that I feel close to had I never allowed myself to connect? No! So I am forced to concede that life would be miserable if I didn't connect. If I accept that, then I must choose to connect. I must realize that the pain of failure can teach me something. And I must try not to fear the teaching and the sadness of failure. I must remember to accept that struggle as a gift, maybe a gift from God. God doesn't make bad stuff happen, satan does, but God can use that to His glory, and I look forward to that.
I remember talking about that to Marlaina, and now I realize this is a test to put what I said on Monday into practice.
If I accept that, I must open my arms to trying to connect at UMYS and wait for the blessings that may come my way. And if I try my best and give the rest to God, I know I will pass the test. I must continue to run the race. And remember Hebrews 11 1-2.
1. Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hopefully I'm ready for the test!
Now switching out of my deep reflections for as long as I manage:
Today in French we sang. It was the French version of the song "Bottle of Wine". It was kind of fun and I did better with singing from memory in French than I expected. We're learning how to say the names of zoo animals in French. That's pretty fun!
In Biology we're talking about global warming. Not fun!
At lunch, I remembered random fun conversations I've had in the past as I tried to find the lunch line. The girl I followed in line and I talked about whether the line was slow. She said I was optimistic, and I mentioned that I wasn't always. She laughed and asked if I was moody, I said yeah. She said that she was too. I said I figured that it was a teenager's prerogative, we get accused of it anyway. Just a random snapshot. I'm going to try something, I'm going to try writing a description of lunch.
I stand next to the wall, guessing when it's safe to move up in the line. People in front of me tell me today, that's nice! I find the trays and just as I'm about to grab one, someone hands me one. It's a nice gesture, but I want to get my own. I briefly wonder if that's just me trying to feed my own pride. We slowly inch up to the milk, I hope the chocolate milk is in the first crate as usual. I try to re-orient my tray so the bigger parts are facing away from me which is easier for one of the servers.
I grab the silver, plastic stuff that bearly does any good. Tucking my napkin between my tray and my hand I realize that as usual I'm carrying it in my left hand, that's going to have to change if I'm going ! take my dog through the lunch line. I idly bounce my mind to wondering whether I'll get a fortune cookie. As I slide my tray along the metal serving counter I'm greeted by Laura from church. Her cheerfulness makes me smile. She asks me if I want different foods and doesn't seem surprised when I politely decline vegetables. I think getting me to eat vegetables is her special project. I thank her and head towards the cashier. You never know who's going to be doing what job, they all switch, but they're all great! For some reason I get confused, but I get help. I get over and type my number in. I'm low on money. Looks like I'll need to talk to my mom tonight. I'll probably forget.
I set off to look for my friends. I manage to follow their voices to the table. I sit dow and orient my tray in front of me placing the rice close to me. Idle small talk surrounds me. I laugh with my friends about things I will not remember five minutes later. All too soon the whistle is blown and I must leave the lunch room. Seek out the trash can and try to stay oriented I think to myself. I succeed then leave the cafeteria.
Okay, end of sketch of lunch. Not the best, but it feels good to be writing again. Writing in the creative style. I love not having rules and being able to spill out my heart. I think this is the longest journal entry I've written in a while, but that's okay. I may write more, who knows? It just feels nice to write. My writing has been neglected too long. I must reconnect with that part of me that loves the feel of my fingers typing.
Today we talked about a project we have to do in Independent Living. We have to go through the steps of researching a major purchase. I'm not sure what to do. It should be interesting. I'll talk about it with mom and dad today.
We also talked about taxes. Apparently our governor is going to shut down all rest stops. I wonder how that will affect blind vendors.
Taking off my shoe, and even worse, putting it back on isn't fun. Must use ice. Nice use of bruising!
Okay, going now!

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