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I have a string of confesions I need to make, all relating to pain and resolutions, plans and uncertainty. I struggle so much with what it means to be ill wwith Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. What will happen to me? Will I be stuck feeling this awful for the next 60 years? Will it keep spreading, or will it stop once it hits the top of my leg (it seems to be slowly inching up my thigh). How much longer will my right leg tolerate the extra weight it carries because the left one hurts too much to do its job fully? How will I ever get through school and find a job when I feel like this? What's the purpose for my life, for all of this suffering? What did I do that got me hit with this and why can't I be someone who heals and goes into remission instead of ever worsening pain and RSDS/CRPS symptoms? It seems so unfair.

Lately, I've been struggling more than usual because I see the burden I am to others and it's hard to accept that, because it isn't what I want for myself. I want to grow and gain abilities, not lose them. Right now, I'm feeling particularily bad because I looked at my resolutions for last year, the ones I worked so hard to put together and then tried to start well. Instead of making my pain better, it got worse. I slowly lost focus of most things that weren't needed for survival, or just getting through flare after flare after flare. I tried to eat better, but lost sight of that in all of the nausea from the pain. I wanted to get my pain down, instead it went up. I did go get physical, psychological and biofeedback therapies, I even got in for pool therapy. All of these things do help some, but the pain is still the main thread of my life. I try to focus away from it, use relaxation tools, distract myself, take frequent breaks (I admit I don't do that as well as I should, I tend to work until I drop becaause that's a short amount of time). I tried hard.

I slowed my writing, partially because it's so scary to see these things in "black and white", to openly admit that things aren't going well. And again, there's that feeling of being a burden, why would someone want to read about the latest symptoms or how afraid I feel when they can visit
Cute Overload
or some other good web site.
And yet I needc to write. I need to get the feelings out because when I don't, I notice my mood dropping like a cell phone you didn't know was in your pocket until you swam out toward the ocean. But in not writing, I feel like i let myself down. I can write, my blog is one thing that so far, I have a good amount of control of. I can choose what to write, I can even write publicly, privately or semi-privately. I'm still feeling too defeated to actually make resolutions, but I do hope that maybe something will turn around (in a good way), but if it doesn't, I still plan to write. It's the one thing I control.

See my goals and decide if I failed or not for yourself


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Jan. 5th, 2009 12:46 am (UTC)
You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Maybe life doesn't have to be about goals so much as it is about the learning process. I don't tend to set a lot of goals for this very reason. If there is something that will make life easier, it is worth setting as a goal. But the thing about goals is that they are meant for helping, not for beating yourself up when things get in the way of completing them.
Jan. 5th, 2009 04:23 pm (UTC)
I see failure as giving up and I do not believe you have ever given up and I don't think you ever will. You're a hard worker, you're strong. You may not have been able to cross things off of that list in the way that you might like but honestly, Nickie - who does?

Most of us never come close to achieving our goals and for a lot less reason than you have.

Hang in there, keep working, you're definitely not a failure - you're an inspiration.

Jan. 5th, 2009 09:22 pm (UTC)
I remember feeling a lot of these emotions. I thought I would be in pain for the rest of my life. It took 3 years, but I finally found the right combination of meds, PT, hypnotherapy, and counseling that made the pain (almost) go away. It can happen to you too! You're proactive and finding out more about your illness. You can find a doctor (or doctors) who believe in you and in proper pain management. I hope this happens for you in 2009!
Jan. 6th, 2009 09:13 pm (UTC)
RSD truly does suck
You can never be a failure, Nickie - you are a good and caring person whose had more than her share of bad stuff and pain. Keep focus on your writing and get all the bad stuff off your chest. You have my support!
Mar. 15th, 2009 08:36 pm (UTC)
a bit late
... but better late than never ...

what's a "failure"?

really, i never quite understand what a failure is, in this context. i mean, it's not as if life is a multiple choice question :)
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