Nickie Coby (puppybraille) wrote,
Nickie Coby

Goals, failure and getting up to try again

I have a string of confesions I need to make, all relating to pain and resolutions, plans and uncertainty. I struggle so much with what it means to be ill wwith Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. What will happen to me? Will I be stuck feeling this awful for the next 60 years? Will it keep spreading, or will it stop once it hits the top of my leg (it seems to be slowly inching up my thigh). How much longer will my right leg tolerate the extra weight it carries because the left one hurts too much to do its job fully? How will I ever get through school and find a job when I feel like this? What's the purpose for my life, for all of this suffering? What did I do that got me hit with this and why can't I be someone who heals and goes into remission instead of ever worsening pain and RSDS/CRPS symptoms? It seems so unfair.

Lately, I've been struggling more than usual because I see the burden I am to others and it's hard to accept that, because it isn't what I want for myself. I want to grow and gain abilities, not lose them. Right now, I'm feeling particularily bad because I looked at my resolutions for last year, the ones I worked so hard to put together and then tried to start well. Instead of making my pain better, it got worse. I slowly lost focus of most things that weren't needed for survival, or just getting through flare after flare after flare. I tried to eat better, but lost sight of that in all of the nausea from the pain. I wanted to get my pain down, instead it went up. I did go get physical, psychological and biofeedback therapies, I even got in for pool therapy. All of these things do help some, but the pain is still the main thread of my life. I try to focus away from it, use relaxation tools, distract myself, take frequent breaks (I admit I don't do that as well as I should, I tend to work until I drop becaause that's a short amount of time). I tried hard.

I slowed my writing, partially because it's so scary to see these things in "black and white", to openly admit that things aren't going well. And again, there's that feeling of being a burden, why would someone want to read about the latest symptoms or how afraid I feel when they can visit
Cute Overload
or some other good web site.
And yet I needc to write. I need to get the feelings out because when I don't, I notice my mood dropping like a cell phone you didn't know was in your pocket until you swam out toward the ocean. But in not writing, I feel like i let myself down. I can write, my blog is one thing that so far, I have a good amount of control of. I can choose what to write, I can even write publicly, privately or semi-privately. I'm still feeling too defeated to actually make resolutions, but I do hope that maybe something will turn around (in a good way), but if it doesn't, I still plan to write. It's the one thing I control.

See my goals and decide if I failed or not for yourself
Tags: 2008 goal check-ins, hope, my writing, rsd sucks

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