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Poetry Therapy: Unnamed desparate writing

How can I tell you
Of the Pain and the Fear?
How can I tell you despair is so near?
"Where is your faith?"
You want to say.
"Why do you doubt what the Words in the Bible say?
If you'd only pray harder,
have a little more faith,
you'd be healed.
Keep your chin up, don't shed a tear,
people will talk, they'll wonder the'll balk
They won't accept you if you struggle like this,
Because you despair now
Your faith lacks the fulness."

I want to believe,
I want to have hope,
but hope needs light, soil and water to grow
Life has taken the light of hope
Trampled the soil of strength
and dried up the springs of joy in my heart.

"You'll feel better,
Don't say that,
It can't be that bad."

My heart screams "Accept me as I am!
Hear me, walk beside me,
allow me to feel.
Maybe together, we can find the way.

"We don't undersstand what is wrong, don't burden us so,
We have our own lives, we've told you all we can.
Do it yourself, co me back with greater faith, hope and strength.
Find strength in serving, do it our way."

Author's Note: I can't write poetry. I just don't do well with it in general. TTherefore, feel free to tell me it isn't accurate in form or function. I needed to write this though because I've been holding a lot of thoughts inside me and I don't know how to express them in my usual writing style. I am hoping that this poem will both help me express the feelings I am having right now, and help me feel less burdened with my fears and hopelessness and how hard it is to live with all of this bottled up inside of me. Even in therapeutic settings, I feel at a loss to explain what I'm feeling and I feel afraid to even try. So that's what this poem is. What it isn't is anything of the sort of a suicide note I HAVE NO PLANS TO END MY LIFE!!! I do, however, need to figure out how to make life feel worth it again.

You might wonder why I'm writing this so publicly. The reason I am is that I feel like I've hid my feelings for too long and that's why they're so yucky. Maybe if I can face the despair head-on, the anxiety, the pain, everything just face it head on, get it out into the open where it can't hide and fester, just maybe the awful stuff will lose its power and I can go back to the picture perfect Christian I know I am not right now.

If you read this far, even through the awful poetry I wrote, I want to say thank you. Feel free to comment on this, but please be gentle. This was hard to write this honestly, and I have layers and layerss of this stuff built up. I hope I don't regret writing this, but part of me needed a release.


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Dec. 1st, 2008 05:05 am (UTC)
your poem
Well, I can't write or critique poetry so I have no clue about its form but it was a very honest, moving piece of writing which I can really relate too. hugs
Dec. 1st, 2008 12:42 pm (UTC)
I like your poem, and I hope it helped to write.

There is plenty to be said about making room for spiritual growth--painful emotions can truly make this difficult. But please don't expect yourself to be all perfect. It ruins the life journey just as much. [hugs] Let the pain help in the process. God is not here to be served without any flaws but to love and be loved completely, through every circumstance. This is a tremendous challenge and plenty big enough without trying to make sure we all do things right. You just make room, and let Him start working inside you and see what happens. [hugs]
Dec. 1st, 2008 02:31 pm (UTC)
Hey, great poem! :)
and yes, as you probably can guess, I mean that. Contrary to popular belief, poetry does not have to rhyme or have any real form at all. Just get it out there--that's really the point. And I can definitely relate to it as well, btw. And that bit about just have more faith, etc. You don't know how many ppl I'd like to injure for saying that kind of thing to ppl, especially myself. I know what you mean there. I'm sick of ppl saying that as if that will magically take care of everything. Don't listen to anyone who says that to you b/c obviously, it isn't even based in reality. Having faith is one thing, thinking that having more faith will somehow solve every problem is never the answer. In fact, those who say that more faith solves all problems are forgetting the very words of our Savior who clearly said that we would experience troubles in the world. that's all I'll say on the matter for the moment, but remember that if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm always around. Feel free to get ahold of me. Hope you had a good Thanksgiving, even if you did experience quite a bit of pain. Mark
Dec. 1st, 2008 08:46 pm (UTC)
Sweetie, there are no picture perfect Christians. You don't have to be one, and you can't be anyone but who you are, where you are. You are brave to ask questions and tell people how you feel. We can't really help you if we don't know what you're thinking and feeling. It's ok to question God about things, to even ask if God is up there. You don't get good answers until you start asking.

I know you're afraid, and probably lonely and confused too. I think people say things about you getting better because we don't know what to say. When it comes to mending broken hearts and dreams, people really are clueless. I'm pointing at myself on this one. Especially online, it's hard to show someone that you care about them without saying something stupid. (grin)

If you feel up to it, would you think about one thing for me? The Bible is full of messed up people. The people we were taught to admire like Paul and David and Peter... They were all messed up people who did a lot of questioning while their faith was formed. They didn't just become great people out of nowhere. Each of these people walked through a time so dark and miserable that they asked if God was even there. I don't know why this happens to people. I wish I did. I just know that you're not the first to struggle with losing faith and hope. In every case, including mine, God seems to understand and helps us find our way. It sounds so trite and prepackaged. I wish I had a better way to share with you some of the peace and reassurance I've gotten through my own pain and struggles. If it were only a tangible thing I could pour out, I would. I'm sorry that I can't. If it helps to know this, I'm praying for you and won't quit.
Dec. 5th, 2008 01:24 am (UTC)
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Dec. 5th, 2008 07:33 am (UTC)
Like turtlechelle, I cannot claim to know how to critiqute poetry based on 'proper' parameters.
What I can say is that I enjoyed your poem because it made me FEEL EMOTIONS; I've always thought that was what poetry was meant to do!

I can very much relate to what you are saying, and understand too well the types of comments like 'if you only tried harder...' or 'it can't be that bad!' and 'just cheer up, you'll feel better' and how hurtful and alienating those unintentionally wounding comments really are.

I think you're very brave to post this here and I'm grateful to have you do so. I once read that bravery isn't not feeling afraid, it's feeling the fear and taking action anyway. You have taken action by creating your blog and sharing your journey. I believe if we all work to educate people then it can not only help us but the countless others who suffer without support and understanding.

Keep up the good work, Nickie!
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