Of the Pain and the Fear?
How can I tell you despair is so near?
"Where is your faith?"
You want to say.
"Why do you doubt what the Words in the Bible say?
If you'd only pray harder,
have a little more faith,
you'd be healed.
Keep your chin up, don't shed a tear,
people will talk, they'll wonder the'll balk
They won't accept you if you struggle like this,
Because you despair now
Your faith lacks the fulness."
I want to believe,
I want to have hope,
but hope needs light, soil and water to grow
Life has taken the light of hope
Trampled the soil of strength
and dried up the springs of joy in my heart.
"You'll feel better,
Don't say that,
It can't be that bad."
My heart screams "Accept me as I am!
Hear me, walk beside me,
allow me to feel.
Maybe together, we can find the way.
"We don't undersstand what is wrong, don't burden us so,
We have our own lives, we've told you all we can.
Do it yourself, co me back with greater faith, hope and strength.
Find strength in serving, do it our way."
Author's Note: I can't write poetry. I just don't do well with it in general. TTherefore, feel free to tell me it isn't accurate in form or function. I needed to write this though because I've been holding a lot of thoughts inside me and I don't know how to express them in my usual writing style. I am hoping that this poem will both help me express the feelings I am having right now, and help me feel less burdened with my fears and hopelessness and how hard it is to live with all of this bottled up inside of me. Even in therapeutic settings, I feel at a loss to explain what I'm feeling and I feel afraid to even try. So that's what this poem is. What it isn't is anything of the sort of a suicide note I HAVE NO PLANS TO END MY LIFE!!! I do, however, need to figure out how to make life feel worth it again.
You might wonder why I'm writing this so publicly. The reason I am is that I feel like I've hid my feelings for too long and that's why they're so yucky. Maybe if I can face the despair head-on, the anxiety, the pain, everything just face it head on, get it out into the open where it can't hide and fester, just maybe the awful stuff will lose its power and I can go back to the picture perfect Christian I know I am not right now.
If you read this far, even through the awful poetry I wrote, I want to say thank you. Feel free to comment on this, but please be gentle. This was hard to write this honestly, and I have layers and layerss of this stuff built up. I hope I don't regret writing this, but part of me needed a release.