I had taken all of my medications which I always take at bedtime, and was listening to my affirmations as I finished my nighttime preparations. I find that this time of day is pretty effective, and since many of the affirmations emphasize self-care and compassion toward myself as I deal with the pain, I like the practical tasks of face washing and other self-care things. It's become a ritual for me, and I really like it. So, anyway, I'd finished the basic self-care stuff, and was still listening to the affirmations as I heated my two heat packs (one for the eyes, one for the leg), in the microwave.
As I did this, I felt the presence of someone in the room. And then, the affirmations got more concrete. They're from the Ease Pain guided imagery/affirmations from
if anyone's curious. So the affirmations encourage imagining those who care about me, in a circle, and feeling it as a warm wave. Next, I see warm sunshine shining on my pain and melting it away. After that, it's a blue-green wave of pure healing, washing from head to toe and carrying the pain away. Finally, my favorite, a warm blanket of "magical comfort". I'm not giving these exactly in the exact words, but you get the idea.
As I listened to the imagery, the presence gave me a hug as I imagined those who care about me. Then, the presence wrapped that blanket around me. And you know what, I felt it. I felt it so with such intensity, such reality, that I reached out. But no one was there. In fact, I don't even think my room mates were in the apartment. And, I asked them, and they denied mbeing there.
I have never experienced something like this before. But you know what? I knew, with all of my heart, just by the way the presence hugged me, and the way she put the blanket around me, that it was my Grandma Hellen (my grandma on my Mom's side). She has been dead for six years as of the end of this April. She was such a courageous woman, dealing with unbearable pain, loving me, supporting me and being there for me. I think of her often, and miss her dearly.
I still have horrible pain. I still am struggling with hopelessness and fear of the pain not getting any better (it's been a three week flare now that I count it). I am unsure that I should even post this. But I needed that caring presence from my Grandma. I needed that support. And I needed those images to be more real.
I don't know how many people will believe this story, but I felt I needed to share it. And despite that I don't know how anyone will react, I'm posting this publicly, because the experience was so moving, so comforting, that I need to share it. I hope that it can help someone else even a fraction of how it has helped me.