Yesterday, I walked to Brewberry's to work on a paper. I should've accepted a ride there, I did accept a ride back. What surprised me was how much I still react to being hit last month.
I think it was the same driveway I was walking past. There was a car in it way back, waiting for Julio and I to pass. It was so hard to make myself walk past that car. I didn't want to do it. I also found that I went into "panic" mode.
I honestly thought I'd be over that by now. I didn't really expect the reaction to still be there. And yet, I still react. I still tense up. Yesterday was a pretty extreme example of it. I do seem to be able to use a relaxation technique to manage it, but it is still weird how my heart rate increases, I tense up, and things almost get darker. I'm still aware of what is going on, and it's a very short time period where it happens. But I would greatly love it if this reaction would go away.
I kind of developed an "affirmation" to help myself in these situations. I remind myself that I have the skills I need to work around traffic, and the friends and God who are there for me, and that they will help me if this ever happens again. Sometimes, I just firmly tell myself that the car is stopped and definitely not going to hit me. What I don't do is invalidate my own reaction. I think by writing about it, and acknowledging that it is okay to feel scared, I will make the reactions have less power over me.
Thanks for allowing me to engage in so much naval-guazing. It is helpful to have somewhere to share my thoughts.