Nickie Coby (puppybraille) wrote,
Nickie Coby

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A colision of emotions

I'm not able to write much lately, partially because I don't know what to write, partially because of the unrelenting pain (a sympathetic block only helped for a day), and partially because of homework. I think if I were able to blog, and get through some of the emotional fall out of some of what I'm dealing with, I would be more productive. I think I'm literally fighting upstream, and the water rushing at me is blocking my progress.

I'm still working on my paper on RSD, and I'm enjoying learning more. I feel like I'm taking better ownership of knowing about my condition. But I'm not finding the magic bullet I irrationally hoped to find buried among the last hits of
Google Scholar
I'm also really alarmed by the fact that the block only worked for a day. Usually I get a little relief for longer. But they are going to try a different type of block (did I write about that yet?). It's an epidural infusion for a few hours. So, part of me is hopeful that it will help.

It might also help if I came clean about something that happened two weeks ago. I haven't wanted to write about it, and I don't really know why. Part of it is still the fear of criticism. Even though I advocate for pedestrian safety, and I know that Julio and I performed to the best of our abilities (though i couldn't pivot fast enough), I still fear criticism.. I was hit by a car on the way back from Brewberry's two weeks ago today. Julio wasn't injured. I got a deep tissue bruise and a sprained ankle on my good leg. I'm really lucky that I wasn't hurt worse. No, I didn't go to the doctor, I didn't really have time because of school. It's not something I can analyze completely, either, because there were no sighted witnesses, except Julio. It happened in a driveway, and Julio turned me to the left to try to get out of the way of the car. That's why it was only damage to my good side, and only minor damage. I know I'm lucky... very lucky.

The driver never stopped to see if I was okay. And the only people I talked to said they hadn't seen the hit because they had just come out of a building.

It honestly didn't hit me (punn definitely not intended) as fully right away. I mean, it did, in the sense that I only went outside with a friend for the first two days, and I did tell a few friends about it. But I didn't acknowledge it fully emotionally. I also lied about how much my right leg hurt, and even a few days later when my whole body was stiff and sore, I actually didn't connect it until a friend said "Could it be because you got hit by a car?" I'm lucky I have friends who are willing to confront my denial, but who do it in ways I can accept. If I downplayed my feelings to you,, please accept my appology. I honestly think it's hard to accept the intense emotions that came with this.

One way of rationalizing denial for me was to say "I know friends who got hurt way way worse than me. Since I'm walking around, it's not that bad, and I should just deal with it." The key words in that statement should be "deal with it", not "deny it happened" "downplay your pain" "invalidate your own reactions to this" or whatever else I did in the last few weeks.

Another fear I've had is what if the RSD spreads to my other leg because of this? How will I function with that? I know that that is a possibility. But I don't want to stress out over that. I know that stress is a flare-triggerer for me. But even if I try to handle that reaction calmly (which I've sort of? done), I've had other stressors. It's called the end of the semester coming up, for anyone who wants to know. Luckily, the swelling has gone down in my right ankle, and the bruise has decreased as well.

There are other things I can't blog right now. And I realize that this may not be the highest quality of writing. But I do think that it has helped me to unburden a bit. I apreciate the indulgence of anyone who's read to the end of this.

Tags: chronic pain, disability related, guide dogs, rsd sucks

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