And to think all I was worried about this morning was feeling lousy. That did not change. But today was hard for so many other reasons.
I took Julio to the vet because he needed kennel cough and rabies vaccines. I figured he'd get shots, get the stuff up his nose and we'd be on our way. Well, the person before me had questions, and then Julio also got an exam. I'm never feeling optimistic when the doctor says "I'd like to have the other doctor take a look at this..."
Julio has some kind of issue with his lense that doesn't appear to be affecting his vision. But it wasn't there six months ago. It could be a precursor to cadaracs, something else or nothing at all. It was described to me as his lense looking like you're looking through sugar water, and a y-shaped mark on the skin of the lense. That could be some kind of protein. I held it together okay (I'd give myself a "fair" thanks to underdeveloped tear ducts), and then lost it in the car. I'm still feeling sick about it.
We've been having some issues in the cities I live in with guide dog users being refused service from Samali/Muslim cab drivers. I went to a public hearing on the subject (one of two major policy issues discussed; the other being refusal of passengers with alcohol). I did not speak, as I felt I had very little to add to the discussion, in the sense that I've had very little time to think about the issue and how I'd present testimony (which anyone could give as an individual representing themselves or an organization). Now, in a way, I wish I would have. I saw some great examples of how not to get your point across, as well as some great examples of what to say. I also got interviewed by a reporter, but don't know if anything will come of it. I'll try to discuss this issue later, when the emotions of the day have abaited somewhat, when I'm less tired ((5 AM is not the time I should have woken up). I am glad I did not testify, since I felt so strongly I got angry, and I was already emotionally upset.
I don't believe in denying emotions, but I do believe in realizing when they cannot be carried out fully or fully trusted in certain situations. I cannot rely on my thought process when I am at nearly an eight on the pain scale to be clear enough to present a full testimony on such an important issue. I was able to be interviewed, only because I hadn't heard some of the people speaking yet, and felt strongly, but wasn't angry. I was also in a separate room for the interview, and able to sit so that pain was an issue, but I could pretend to ignore it.
I have to admit to wanting to scream "You don't get it! Julio is a part of me! He's my eyes (here I'd have lost it)." Most people I heard understood this point. But some wanted to deny that we're ever denied service. Which is bologna. If I hadn't experienced issues with cab service, or didn't have credible reason to believe friends who have, I would not have been there. It would've been a waste of time.
I knew that my emotions were ragged; I was already dealing with the idea (though not immediate) of Julio having an eye problem that could some day end his career. It's not doing things to his vision right now, the vet doesn't think so anyway, but that's where my mind went. It seems so cruel. Why does Julio have to have eye problems? It is such a painful thought.
Please pray for Julio. I want this to be a non-issue. I really want this to be a non-issue. If my will-power could effect it, I'd go back to the beginning of today and not go to the vet. I know, it's irrational. We can do something if there is something wrong. I know, too, that if I felt better, I might be able to think more rationally. But right now, I can't, and I just need to take some deep breaths, allow myself to feel bad when I actually have time, and go on and do what needs to be done.