I'm sitting here, the strains of piano coming through my headphones, trying to get rid of the pre semester jitters. This semester is one I am anticipating with great excitement and also great dread. I'm willingly putting myself into a situation with two out of three courses having at least some component of science. I'm going under the knife, and trying to go to school the next day, simply because I can't miss too much school. And some things I can't write about are making me flash back to the absolute hell that was algebra II. I cannot afford to get a D+ in any of these courses. I'm still trying to push for above a 3.8, simply because I am a perfectionist.
The sermon today was on balance. I wish I were good at that. So far, that is not one of my gifts or strengths. I need to just let go and realize that I can only do my best. That is incredibly hard to do, though. It is tempting to think that if I relax and let go, I will mess something up.
That's a good recipe for setting the surgery up for not going well. I remember coming across a study that said that stress increases the chance of RSD coming up after surgery. We already know that I'm prone to having a flare after surgery. I do not need to set myself up for failure.
Old thought process: I don't know if I can do this. I'm not good at math, might not be good enough at science. What if things go wrong with the surgery? What if I don't do well in classes? What will that do to my GPA?
Attempted new thought process: I have the tools I need to get through this first week. I am not the tenth grader who did poorly in Algebra II anymore. This surgery will not be as hard as the last one. I get to be awake, thus less recovery time. God is going to get Julio and I through this. We're ready. I know how to deal with pain so much better than I did when I had surgery in May. I have a bigger toolbox of things to use to deal with this.
I felt it was necessary to go public with this process, simply to make myself more accountable. I'm going to take lots and lots of deep breaths now...
