Nickie Coby (puppybraille) wrote,
Nickie Coby
puppybraille

And the treadmill begins again

I'm sitting here, the strains of piano coming through my headphones, trying to get rid of the pre semester jitters. This semester is one I am anticipating with great excitement and also great dread. I'm willingly putting myself into a situation with two out of three courses having at least some component of science. I'm going under the knife, and trying to go to school the next day, simply because I can't miss too much school. And some things I can't write about are making me flash back to the absolute hell that was algebra II. I cannot afford to get a D+ in any of these courses. I'm still trying to push for above a 3.8, simply because I am a perfectionist.

The sermon today was on balance. I wish I were good at that. So far, that is not one of my gifts or strengths. I need to just let go and realize that I can only do my best. That is incredibly hard to do, though. It is tempting to think that if I relax and let go, I will mess something up.

That's a good recipe for setting the surgery up for not going well. I remember coming across a study that said that stress increases the chance of RSD coming up after surgery. We already know that I'm prone to having a flare after surgery. I do not need to set myself up for failure.

Old thought process: I don't know if I can do this. I'm not good at math, might not be good enough at science. What if things go wrong with the surgery? What if I don't do well in classes? What will that do to my GPA?

Attempted new thought process: I have the tools I need to get through this first week. I am not the tenth grader who did poorly in Algebra II anymore. This surgery will not be as hard as the last one. I get to be awake, thus less recovery time. God is going to get Julio and I through this. We're ready. I know how to deal with pain so much better than I did when I had surgery in May. I have a bigger toolbox of things to use to deal with this.

I felt it was necessary to go public with this process, simply to make myself more accountable. I'm going to take lots and lots of deep breaths now...

Tags: college
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