Have you ever gone into an experience, knowing you probably won't like what the doctor says? I think today is one of those days. I have been praying for the best (some relief), while trying to prepare for the worst (being told there's nothing we can do). I have reached the point where the pain intereferes with simple tasks and concentration. I can no longer afford to ignore things I thought I could ignore. Listening to my body, while attempting to whip it back into shape is challenging, but I know it is possible. This disease may steal the ease of the life I had before RSD, but it cannot ruin the person I am, the person I was created to be.
I will not let RSD win. It is to obnoxious of a disease to let it win. What I am supposed to do next is something I can't even fathom, but there will be answers when I am ready. While I fight this disease, I know I must remember that my worth is NOT in how well I am able to fight it. It is not in how well I "suck it up". God did not determine my worth by these things. I used to wonder why I struggle with the RSD, and feel it as a weakness. I don't feel that way about blindness. What I realized is that there is a stigma, a social structure, that says that if you can't handle the pain, it's something wrong with you. I've seen too many tyraids (sp?), about how "our society just wants to never feel pain". But when it becomes chronic, the goal isn't to numb it, but to manage it.
My best friend finally got it into my head that managing my pain is not a weakness. Instead, I should view the medications and techniques as aids to help me, just as I don't think of myself as weak for using Julio's help. It's an interesting thought, and it helps.
I'm not even sure how all of this fits into a "larger picture", but wanted to write it down. This, friends, is what I was thinking about in the shower. Too bad they don't make waterproof blogging implements!