Nickie Coby (puppybraille) wrote,
Nickie Coby

Coming clean: Losing my Denial

When I went to the doctor on Tuesday, I made a comment to the nurse who helped with my block that the I was hoping to be done with a lot of the pain, or at least have it stablized by the time I have to search for insurance. We both said "that would be nice", and that was the end of that. Until after the procedure when the doctor asked me if I knew my RSD was chronic. I said yes I did. He said he just wanted to make sure. Then we talked about the fear of it spreading to the other foot, which was something he brought up. He said I'm lucky that I only have it in my left foot and lower leg.

What I told the doctor was true. I do know that it's chronic and that there is currently not a cure for RSD. I know that some people do get it to go away, though, and that seems to have been what we've been fighting for. I've known that it may not happen, but only on an intellectual level. Now that I have heard it straight from the doctor, though, I can't go on denying that it's not getting better. Without the hope of things getting better, I'm not sure what to hope or pray for. I believe God could step in and do something about this, but I don't know if I believe He will. I have secretly prayed that he will step in. I have asked others, including people reading this to pray for things to get better. And I've even reminded myself that things do get better for some people.

I don't know how to handle this, now that the doctor has said it's chronic. I don't know what to do. He recommended two surgical options, but one (a sympathectomy) can spread the RSD and the other (a nerve stimulator that's implanted in the back) is going to be expensive, might not work and carries all sorts of infection risks from what little I've learned. I'm still gaining strength back from the last surgery. Do I really want to go through another one? Would it even work if I did it? Is it going to change my activities I can do? I just don't think I want to go down that road.

This is so hard. It's hard to admit that I was in denial. It is hard to know that there may not be an end to this painful road. It is hard to imagine how I can keep going. It's even harder still to understand how I can be considered "lucky". I know that others have it much worse. I understand that. But the thought of the RSD spreading, or getting worse is not something I'm ready to think about. Nor can I imagine what I will do to if it does get worse. It's hard enough to deal with classes when the pain is this bad. I proved last week that I can actually injure myself while biting my lip to handle the pain.

I am scared to go down the route of needing more medications. I keep imagining my stomach as full of pills and that one day I'll move and you'll hear them rattling inside me. Next to all of these frustrations, I keep having dreams that I have to stop working Julio because I can't walk. I torture myself thinking about what that would mean. And I don't know if it's fair to him to have to deal with me on these bad pain days.

I will find my equilibrium soon, but I felt like I had to tell someone, and if I cry while I'm writing, I'll cry while I'm talking. I can't deal with crying in front of someone right now, especially since most of my close friends are in class, at work or in bed. I am sorry I wasn't able to be more positive today. I hope that getting this out and actually letting the tears fall will help me to process this and I'll be more cheerful later today.

Admitting these things does a lot of good. If I can write them down, they don't feel so big anymore.


Tags: chronic pain, notes to self, rsd sucks

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