The pain is beginning to return more today. I don't know why, but I was afraid this would happen. Even if I do someday find total complete permenant relief, I know that the fear of this pain returning will always haunt me. It's not as bad as usual today, but it is worse than it has been for the last few days. It's almost been a week. I am thankful for the relief I did get, and having some relief now, but I fear the return of the pain. I know that even if I do someday return to a fully normal life after this, I won't be the same. It will be so weird i will fear the return of the pain. I also wonder if I will remember how to live without pain. One thing I know for sure, the pain is teaching me to take better care of myself. I guess that is a worthy cause. It has also opened me to new and different emotions. I no longer have to feel bad because I want to feel an emotion fully. I also think it has made me more able to connect with God and pray for other people. I know what it is like to be in pain and have struggles, so I can better pray for the people who are in need. Maybe I can someday be a listener and help those who struggle with similar things. The thing I struggle with is that I hear people talk about something, trying to help, but it is clear they have no frame of reference. Something in my being wants to scream "You have no idea!" I usually restrain myself though. That only happens when it's someone who doesn't have a clue what I'm going through, and won't admit it. I don't even mind people that don't have a frame of reference. If they don't act like my problem is trivial, or act like I'm just doing wonderfully getting through it, it's fine. I used to hate it when I was struggling with my Grandma's death, and everyone said "You're handling it so well!" I was sitting there feeling like I was dying inside, I couldn't accept that Grandma was better off, and everyone everxpected me too. It wasn't until I talked to Craig about it at ,Tyl after 3 months that I was able to handle it. I have no idea "awh this is going, so don't try to figure me out from this entry. I don't have a clue what I'm trying to say, or what it means. I'm beginning to love the idea of going to sleep in the van outside while mom prepares dinner for church which we won't end up eating. We're going to have dinner with some friends who really wanted us to come over. Maybe I'll find some place to sleep for a while. I finished my homework, so no problems there. Hugs! Nickie
