"November 12, 2003
In this moment I'm upset, I don't know what to do about my foot. It's upsetting to me that I can't do anything about it! It just makes me so angry that I think I've solved it and then I haven't. I don't even know what I want, except no pain. I want energy! I want to have the freedom to run, to follow the relient K music. It's so free and wild and loving that I just want to run on a tredmill to it and be free with it. I want to have my life back. If I could, I'd suck the freedom out of life and live it to the fullest, but it seems that there's always something holding me back. It's like I'm not free. What happened to me following God and being free at the same time. What happened to my Salvation being so important and my life being great? Why am I letting this get me down? Why am I so angry about it? Isn't it wrong to be angry? Isn't it a sin? And what can I do about this anger? I don't like being so angry and I want my life back! It hurts so bad! My hopes sometimes seem so unattainable! It feels like I can never get the Guide Dog with this stuff. I want to get one, but will they take me?"
If that isn't proof that I'm crazy... I don't know what is! I didn't take the bus due to snow, so I studied in the media center until 4 and then in the cafeteria until 5:15. Then dad got me from school. I spent the rest of the night scanning stuff that wasn't brailled and talking on MSN. I was so beat that I slept without Tylinol PM. It was the exhausted almost dead sleep, but so worth it! I woke up with enough energy today, amazingly, but I wouldn't say today was a good day really. Dad and I got into an argument today about how I don't feed Baxter in the morning. Well, the deal is that I feed him in the afternoon. Dad is upset because he says I won't feed my guide dog. Yeah right! Of course I will! Last time I looked, Baxter was his idea, not mine. And he's not just my dog! Then mom was helping me make my breakfast, and she put the syrup on my waffles before I could cut them. Normally, she'll just cut them if she does that because I have a harder time cutting them with syrup. Well dad decided that I should be able to do it with syrup. He claims that I'll need to be able to do that at a restaurant or something. I have a better solution: don't order waffles, or do and hold the syrup. I tried, but I just couldn't get it right. He left for work, I cried, and tried to do it, and Mom took pity on me. It was a crappy start to a crappy day!! I hate the feeling of crying, and I seem to be doing more of it lately. It's good that I can be more able to experience emotions fully, but it's hard to get used to. I got 6/10 on a true false test for World Lit, and still haven't found people to sit with at lunch. I'm wondering if it's worth going anymore. I did talk to a girl in my journalism class. She's always been really nice to me. I really like her. It'd be nice to have a friend in there. Oh yeah, and I joined in in the discussion between former AP History students and current rooky AP History students. Always a blast. I'm having trouble focusing on my writing for my personal narrative in creative writing. I was trying to write about prom, but I'm not able to concentrate on much except the impending injection. I'm getting pretty freaked out. That shaky feeling returned in earnest today.
I did get two expensive Neutrogena lip balms today. Lip gloss is raising my spirits somewhat.
We have insights tonight, but I don't want to go. If I hadn't said I'd be there, I wouldn't go. I'm sore and need to pack for the Ginny Owens concert with Stacy tomorrow. I hope I'm not miserable! Well, that's all for now!
Current mood: sore, crabby, angry, tired and depressed