Nickie Coby (puppybraille) wrote,
Nickie Coby
puppybraille

I'm officially not cool.

Today I went to Kodiak with Mom. It was fun! I love their soups. I also messed uaround on-line and such. I finished my story I hope will win me a scholarship from Guideposts. I'll keep y'all updated!
I have decided that I'm not cool. That doesn't mean that I'm not okay, although colness would sure be nice. Mom and I were discussing my social situation, and how I don't really fit in. Well, it's true, I don't I thought it was just me, but it's not. I guess mom's noticed people pass me by without saying anything. It hurts to know that. But at least she didn't ly about it. I could have had parents who protected me from the truth, but I got parents who'll tell me the truth without being mean. I'd rather have that thaan lies.
It just bugs me that I %don't fit in and probably never will. I must then ask the question, liked or tollerated? Am I liked by people or just tollerated, and if I'm tollerated, why am I not liked? Am I doing anything wrong? If so, what? Will I ever know? We'll see. But I cannot be someone di'fferent, my major fear is that I'm not normal enouGh. That I'm doing something socially wrong. I know that my inability to be oriented in loud situations and my dislike of lots of people type party situations has probably cost me a lot, but how can I know that I'm not just tollerated? I always feel like I'm part of a group in retreat or mission trip or convention type situations but it always fades. And is that because I wasn't part of the group or because life is so busy? I can understand things getting busy with my friends who are blind, in college or in general not nearby, but I can't understand how not talking to me at school is going to maake me feel like I belong, and I'm thinking it's safe to assume in that case that I'm just tollerated. And the rasberries and cream poem makes me contemplate, how much is my fault. I must figure out, so I can take responsibility.
We're going to get my sister from school. I'm excited!
Hugs!
Nickie
Current mood: Sad
Current music: The AP network news on KTIS
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