Nickie Coby (puppybraille) wrote,
Nickie Coby

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The big one

First, here's the message I posted to ACB-L about the resignation of Charlie Crawford. It doesn't say everything I want to say, but here you go in case it interests anyone.
Hi Everyone,I've been restling with myself as to how to post what I want to say and whether it should be said at all.First, on the subject of confidentiality: I would love to know what has happened, it would be nice to know why Charlie has resigned. But if it were me, I would not want to deal with all of the questions, the discussion and having my resignation all over the internet. I will admit that as a high school student, I've never worked, but I know that when I have my IEP, I don't want just anyone walking in on it. I don't want all of my teachers to know that I have issues with organization and can't really cook well. I'm not even sure I want them to know what I've done right. I've always felt that as a blind student, my actions are criticized more, or rated more or measured more. If I were Charlie, no matter what the terms of the resignation were, and what the reason for it was, I wouldn't want everyone talking. I like all of you am sad to see Charlie not working in the national office anymore, but I think the best thing we can do is try to evaluate it respectfully. I'm not saying there isn't some problem with what happened, I don't know that and neither do you, but I think the best way to show our respect and apreciation for what Charlie has done in the past, and what he is certain to do in the future is to express how sad we are, make up our minds based on what we know and not speculation, and work our bottoms off to do advocacy just like Charlie always has.Whether Chris Gray is doing the right thing is not something I want to get in to because I'm still learning about ACB. I really haven't been a member, and I don't want to unfairly accuse anyone. No, I don't agree with some of his actions, but I can't do anything about it by saying that. I think as members, what we should do is ask questions directly of the officers of the board, if there are issues we don't understand. The bo'ard cannot explain there actions if we don't give them time. But we can't complain that they aren't communicating with us if we don't try to talk to them. I don't know how much they monitor this list, but I do know that their contact info is at the end of every Braille Forum. It's not there just to waste papaer. Penny and Sharon always do a wonderful job of putting the Forum together, and they wouldn't put the contact information there if it wasn't supposed to be used. I would suggest that we use it to tall the board how we want them to act, but that we do it in a respectful manner. This leads back to confidentiality. Charlie said that he and Chris wouldn't be at libberty to discuss it. That means he doesn't want it all over and doesn't want to discuss it, so we should respect him enough to accept that.I hope I've been clear and appropriate about this! I truly appologize if I am out of line.NickieOkay, now that that junk is out of the way, we'll just see where to go from here. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth yet, because for some reason gravity won't let me.
Today was good. Well, parts of it were. I'm go through the good parts first. My friend Megan was at church! That rocked! Coffee and chatting with her was also rockin! Seeing Amanda was also cool. I wish that I knew her better, she seems really nice, but I don't see her often, and I hope she knows how cool I think she is! If not, I need to do something about it. Actually, I need to figure a way to see a lot of my friends more. They're all so fun! And lately I'm so crabby, I need to not be that way. I know a lot of my friends want to help, but I struggle with asking them, and letting them. I feel like if I tell them about the way I think sometimes, it would be too shocking. And when I do talk about it, I feel guilty. But talking with Megan, I did tell her stuff. And I can tell people stuff, I just don't as much as I journal. Don't ask, I'm confusing myself.
Anyway, the good parts... Let's see: I applied to Guide Dogs For The Blind. I'm already nervous!! I hope I can manage to get accepted. I hope I'm good enough. I don't want to fail.
The bad parts? Well, let's see, I thought I was gonna lose it in church today. When we started to pray, I thought I was gonna bawl! I finally got myself composed so I didn't feel so crappy, but I know I still feel pretty bad. I've had this urge for several days to lay flat on my back and not get up. When I wake up in the morning, I want to go back to sleep.
I'm struggling with pain, and exhaustion. It bothers me that I can't just handle this like I think i should. I feel like it's my fault, and that if I was a better person, I'd feel better. I struggle with my own exhaustion and the feeling of "How much more can I take?" The problem I face is that I don't dare admit these things to anyone, and yet I do now because it's being posted publicly. And if people want to view me as a saint or something, these thoughts should prove just how out there I really am.
I really need to figure out a way not to feel so worn down, but like many things, it will have to wait until I feel well enough to persue it.
Well, that's all from here. I really need to write more, but don't have the courage, strength or ability. I just sant to sleep for a week.



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