Nickie Coby (puppybraille) wrote,
Nickie Coby
puppybraille

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feelings

Okay, I honestly don't know if I've ever done this before, but I need to go back to the beginning of when my foot started hurting, and how I got onto this horrible cycle of chronic pain in which I find myself.
The day after valentines day I went to a dance class. I've been dancing since the age of 7 at Unequely Abled Dance. I've gone to a class for kids with various disabilities for a long time. Anyway, this was a different class. It was for blind people, and mostly for older adults. It was ballroom dancing.
I had heard rumors that I was going to get asked to prom by a friend in the youth group. The goal was that we'd get the entire group to go, but sophomores can't go without someone taking them. So I didn't want to be a dits and not know any dance steps.
The dance class was fun, and afterwords I was exhausted!
On Tuesday the 18th of February, I felt some pain in my foot. I remember asking my Mom if I had a bruise. I didn't.
It was pretty sore for the next few days, but I was getting my wisdom teeth in at the time and so I didn't focus on that much. I should tell you that I've had tendonitus before, so I figured this wasn't anything to worry about. On Thursday I went to the mall of America, and on Friday morning, it hurt to put my socks on. I went to the doctor for an x-ray of my left foot, and it wasn't broken.
A week later, I'd come home wimpering in pain (I still want to do that, but I just suck it up and complain about it in my LJ). We went back. Still no break. I got a cast boot, and it helped somewhat, but I was still really sore.
Fast forward to about the 19th of March. I was at an orthopedist. He said I probably had a stress fracture. He said we'd be able to tell in a month when there'd be some bone thickening. So I left with permission to take 12 Adville a day, and I did that all the time.
But in April it was worse, and the Adville wasn't cutting it. Prom was fun but hard especially since I didn't have my cast boot on. But the MRI didn't really tell us anything either.
So, it was off to get orthodics, Physical Therapy and taking Naproxin. It made me so depressed. There were times I wanted to die. The Darvaset I was on at night made me feel even sicker, and the orthodics were hell! They didn't help, they agrivated me more than anything.
Physical Therapy helped a lot the first times I went. But I was only allowed 6 visits. It got worse. I went to a podiatrist, and she had me have a Bone Scan. It didn't help. She sent me to the pain clinic. But I couldn't get in until September. I had Physical Therapy. It helped somewhat.
Things kept getting worse. In August I had the EMG. Ouch!!!
And then... The pain clinic. I guess I'm a little paronoid. I honestly feel like there's no relief in sight, or possible. The two days of no pain were wonderful, but so cruel! It's so frusturating not to have that good feeling again.
I trust the doctors, but I don't honestly believe there's hope or help out there. I don't think anything will work, and I'm afraid to take medicine. But I refuse to tell anyone here that I feel this way. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I don't want to deal with explaining why I feel this way to people. I know they'd want me to talk about it, but in person I'd show more emotion, and I don't want to have to deal with that. At least when I write about it, I can control it. I feel like I have the power to handle the emotions. It's like squeezing it out of a tube... In person, it's like the type that squirts out way more than you want. When I write, it's like the controled kind where you only get what you want. I can chose how much to tell, and I can deal with the stuff on my own if I want.
I know if I tell people this, they're going to say "It's better if you talk about it." But I'm not sure I believe that. If I tell someone at church, for example, they have to deal with it too. If I handle it myself, it's my problem, and no one is forced to know about it. In a journal, people can choose to skip my entry. In person, they'd feel like they were being rude.
I've never found it easy to express my feelings. Most people don't even realize I'm having a hard time until they see me crying or something, which, thankfully isn't often since my tear ducts don't work right.
I need to find lunch! I'm starving, but don't know where anything is in this house! My waffles were nasty this morning, so I'm loathed to make a sandwich which will be worse. There's always Coke, but that's not food, just drink.
I feel a lot better now that I've actually written down these feelings. Somehow, I don't feel like they're in my head and not legit anymore. I love LJ. I never would have written this in my diary I tried keeping in my BrailleNote! I figured when I wrote in my diary there wasn't any point, but on LJ, everyone does, and somehow I feel like it's more of an obligation to write. Like it's a requirement to write. Like not using the site would be a sin almost. It's like journaling is normal now! I've actually heard that it's good for people dealing with pain to write because they can manage their pain better. I think it's true. I've heard that drawing pictures of how certain things make you feel is also important. I can't draw, but if I could, I'd draw my left foot with a monster choaking the life out of it.
Thanks to all of you who have written me either through comments or through email about sedation. I'm not going to tell you I'm not scared anymore, but having some idea that people have survived it is helpful! I still wish I knew what to expect, I mean, in this situation, like would my back hurt? But I'll be okay. I do trust the doctors and nurses, and knowing the doctor a little bit should help. I hope it's the same nurses, that would be reassuring to know them too.
Well, I really should get something to eat, or read or something. I feel a lot better now.

Hugs!

Nickie
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