I didn't do as well as I'd have liked on my psychology test (a C), but I didn't fail and the grade went up after a discussion with the professor. I just hate it when I don't do well on tests. My professor was nice, but I still feel like I've failed a ton of people because I got a C. I don't even think that explanation is right. Maybe it's just the disappointment...
Had coffee with a friend which is always nice.
Came back here and cried again. I'm just really feeling the pressure right now and like I have to prove everything to everyone. I don't feel like I can really relax. This makes more sense to me now. In my dreams where I embarrass myself, I am usually relaxed.
TRW I've already talked about. French was okay.
I'm just tired of making mistakes (little ones are as annoying and painful to me as the big ones).
I just wish, for I could feel good that I'd completed something and done it well. I've got so many loose ends in my life right now...
The pain level is high because Julio here decided to skip a few stairs and my feet crashed down on the floor. Then I fell on my butt. And someone noticed.
I don't know why I feel so bad about screw ups. I just do. If I could be okay with how and who I am even when I make mistakes and life feels out of control, it would make life a lot simpler. I don't like how I go through life feeling like criticism is around the next corner. It isn't healthy most likely. The stuff that happened to me two summers ago probably contributed to that. In so many ways, I don't feel like I'm even close to being mature enough for all of this. I don't feel like I'm handling the responsibilities well enough. I think I must be somewhat of a type A personality. I want to do well. But the sad thing is, I don't even care about doing well for myself. It's the other people I'm worried about. I have to do well for them. Like a labrador retriever... I do want to succeed for myself. I want to succeed so badly that I focus on the obstacles too much and when I feel like I'm not handling things well enough, I just kind of freak.
Part of the problem is that I've heard several comments lately about how amazing it is that I'm in college. People are so inspired by that. I want to show them that blindness doesn't have to be an obstacle to college entrance or success.
I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this today...
Maybe things will feel better in the morning.
I also want to clarify that I'm okay. Just truggling, but okay. I just probably have been pushing myself too hard in the wrong areas. Once I let go of some tensions, I'll be better.
Hugs!
Nickie
