October 2nd, 2006

Cut cuddle and be Cute

A shower of random pain thoughts

Have you ever gone into an experience, knowing you probably won't like what the doctor says? I think today is one of those days. I have been praying for the best (some relief), while trying to prepare for the worst (being told there's nothing we can do). I have reached the point where the pain intereferes with simple tasks and concentration. I can no longer afford to ignore things I thought I could ignore. Listening to my body, while attempting to whip it back into shape is challenging, but I know it is possible. This disease may steal the ease of the life I had before RSD, but it cannot ruin the person I am, the person I was created to be.

I will not let RSD win. It is to obnoxious of a disease to let it win. What I am supposed to do next is something I can't even fathom, but there will be answers when I am ready. While I fight this disease, I know I must remember that my worth is NOT in how well I am able to fight it. It is not in how well I "suck it up". God did not determine my worth by these things. I used to wonder why I struggle with the RSD, and feel it as a weakness. I don't feel that way about blindness. What I realized is that there is a stigma, a social structure, that says that if you can't handle the pain, it's something wrong with you. I've seen too many tyraids (sp?), about how "our society just wants to never feel pain". But when it becomes chronic, the goal isn't to numb it, but to manage it.

My best friend finally got it into my head that managing my pain is not a weakness. Instead, I should view the medications and techniques as aids to help me, just as I don't think of myself as weak for using Julio's help. It's an interesting thought, and it helps.

I'm not even sure how all of this fits into a "larger picture", but wanted to write it down. This, friends, is what I was thinking about in the shower. Too bad they don't make waterproof blogging implements!

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    Newsboys - Take Me To Your Leader
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Cut cuddle and be Cute

Good news

I'm so excited, I could burst. I'm not sure how many people will remember that about a year ago, I was taking a bus, and when coming off, my foot caught the edge of the curb and kind of caved. Today, I rode the bus for the first time since the surgery, and a similar issue happened, but the foot didn't cave! How cool is that? I don't have to worry as much a bout injuring myself. That is very cool. Also, I still did okay with bus travel, even though I'm still regroupping from all of the surgery stuff and not walking. This is good stuff. Not to mention a confidence builder.

little_loki was very nice and came with me to the appointment. This was definitely good, as the route I learned last fall was completely messed up by construction, and I would have had to find assistance. She also distracted me from the high pain and nausea, which helped immensely. No one wants to vomit on the bus. I felt so bad, I didn't even finish my latte, so you know it was serious!

My doctor gave me some options which I will seriously think about. I know that I am not ready to consider the surgical sympathectomy, which seems to be the consensus. We have talked about the nerve burning thing, which I am somewhat less opposed to than I was last year, since it only "stuns" the nerves, not destroying them. He also explained how the Percocet is a good thing, and that it's important to interupt the pain. I can live with this. I am learning, albeit slowly, how to deal with this. It isn't something I'm going to learn in the blink of an eye, but eventually I'll get it.

little_loki and I went to Noodles while waiting for my prescription. Noodles are good for the stomach, and even give me left overs for when I don't want food from the caf. I am going to take care of this flare, then figure out where to go from there.

Enough with the serious stuff. I have to say my face hurts from laughing so hard! One of my favorite lines? "Your foot needs to go on weight watchers." As long as it doesn't get in the way of my coffee, I'm fine with that.

Julio is tired, as am I. I don't think I've done this much outside of the dorm or classroom for a while. Lots more walking than I'm used to, and except for the RSD complaining, the muscles and stuff did fine. In that respect, maybe I am getting better.

I wonder if the bathrooms are done being cleaned yet? And I want a nap. I will have more interesting stuff to write later. Possibly expanding a critique of a deconstruction of the contingency management theory for socialwork and chronic pain. Doesn't that sound fun?