November 23rd, 2005

Cut cuddle and be Cute

Is sleeping through the night too much to ask?

I used Lidoderm tonight, but it didn't help enough. I'm still getting the stabbing pains and burning stuff, although I think it's less than I might be going to get otherwise. I've been up since 4:30 which is frustrating, but it's going to take a while to get everything pain related under control. I took one Cebrex at dinner, these things take time. Hopefully, we'll get stuff under control before finals week. I think that's possible. We'll have to wait and see.
I discovered that the quarter pound burgers in the Pulse are not big enough for me. I had those plus curly fries for dinner last night and I'm hungry this morning. On the pluse side: I managed to avoide the headache I was getting. Much of it was tenssion which I solved with bath fizz, but a lot of it was the fact that I didn't eat until after 7 last night because I was talking to people. Once I ate, I felt much better. I also feel like a lot of the tenssion I've been carrying around waiting to find out is dicipating. I'm feeling a lot of trust and peace about this. I am fortunate that I can count readers of this blog as friends and that you all care. I really appreciate it!
A couple of people have asked for a description of RSD and what it is. I'm willing to send the sheet of symptoms to anyone who emails me at my livejournal address. (I have to actually know who you are though, sorry. If you're on my Friends List, that pretty much counts). Check out the link below and surf around. Some of the symptoms there are thankfully not an issue.
RSD Hope
or try
Alright, I'm out of the blogosphere for a bit as in a few hours. Who knows when I'll update again? Probably soo n knowing me. I'm going to go chill a little longer and head to psychology.
Cut cuddle and be Cute

Learning to be Thankful

One of the things I tend to struggle with spiritually is why would God let things like this happen to me? Am I even more evil than the rest of the human race? I have a hard time believing that I'm a good person. I'm not good in the sense that God is good. I can be mean, angry, proud and generally not a nice person. So often I fall short of the mark. I often have wondered if God is having these things to happen to make me learn. But it doesn't make sense for God to be a God of pain and hardship. I don't see that biblically. But to say that God can't prevent or never prevents bad things to happen is not right either. He can and does step into help us. I've heard many such stories that cannot be due to chance. So I struggle with a lot of questions about how to handle things like this. I clipped that quote a few days again about being thankful for my thorns. But I don't know that I'm ready or able to be thankful that I have to deal with pain. I have a hard time saying thanks for something that has affected me so greatly and caused me to deal with so many extra things my first year of college. I find it hard to be thankful that I had pain that almost prevented me from getting a Guide Dog. I find it hard to be thankful that once again I am struggling to do as well as I want because I've had to take medications that make me feel like I have the memory of a forgetful 80 year old. I find it hard to be thankful that I can't wear anything but slippers or tennis shoes and even with those I experience a lot of pain. IN short, I find it hard to say "thank you" for all of the difficulties I've experienced.
So there are 2 things I'm struggling with here:
1. What role do I believe God takes in this?
2. And how can I be thankful for my thorns?
In TRW we read a chapter out of the book "When Bad Things Happen To Good People". In that, I saw a perspective that I often forget. God could prevent this, yes, but He often doesn't. Even though I don't understand it, I don't like it, God has chosen to let me go through it. It reminds me a lot of Job in a way, although I think Job had it worse since he lost everything. I don't know why God does what He does. I don't know what the ultimate plan is. But I do know that even when these bad things happen, I can still trust in a Good God. That is ultimately what matters.
The being thankful for my thorns is hard too. I've come to some conclusions about that too. Those tend to be conclusions I think about and ultimately forget when the next crisis comes. I'm trying to do better about that. I've found that I can't child necessarily find the ability to be thankful for my difficulties right when they are happening. That is hard for me to do. But if I look hard enough I usually see some way in which God is moving in the difficulty. Maybe it's the kind words or listEning ear ow get from a friend or doctor. Maybe it's like a few months ago when I was so angry about my torn tendon and people from campus ministry came and prayed over dorm rooms and blessed them just As I came to a spiritual truth and admitted my anger over the whole situation. I've even seen it in the little breaks I get to take, going shopping; having coffee on a relaxing Sunday morning; taking a bath with bath fizz and so many other little things like these, all of this helps me leave some tension behind and get a better perspective. Sometimes, too, it's a lesson I learn from the situation whether it be about myself, about others or about God. Whatever little or big things I see that are good in the situation, I find it much easier to say "thank You," for these types of things than the actual situation. Sometimes I do come to the point where I can say "thank You" for the bad stuff too, but that takes time.
Anyway, this is just my perspective on Thanksgiving and how I came to deal with some of what I was worrying about on Monday. I'm praying you have a blessed Thanksgiving and that you see the blessings no matter what situation you find yourself in.
Cut cuddle and be Cute

just a quick bedtime update

I feel my entry from earlier came off much more pessimistic than intended. I guess if I had to sum my intended point up in one sentence, I would say the following: I asked on Monday how I would respond to being diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, but my conclusion now is that even if right now I can't be extremely happy about it or thankful for it, I can be thankful for the little things and I can be thankful for the lessons. Make more sense?
I got home probably a little after noon, then slept for much of the day. I've been extremely tired and I think it caught up with me. I hope I can sleep better tonight than I have the past several. One of the challenges I have here is that I share the house with my family and can't just go do whatever if I can't sleep. At least in my dorm room, I can go sit at the computer and do stuff.
I think the Celebrex will probably help soon. It might actually be starting to help although I'm still swollen and sore. Hopefully the new meds and everything is going to work.
Okay, I'm going to go to bed soon. Time to take all my meds (I think I'm a regular pharmacy).