October 13th, 2003

Cut cuddle and be Cute

Memories from a moron on Monday

I'm actually writing this on my BrailleNote. I'm about to go to jail. Well, just for a tour for personal law. I wish I'd on more about convention before I went. I could have used what I learned about the ADA and other things to write a disability law paper. It would have made more sense. Oh well, I'll live.

Today at school was okay. I had a nice time, and there were animal crackers at lunch. More scandals in Russian civilization. Gese I learned a lot! What else? Well, we talked about comparative advantage in economics, and larceny in Personal law. I was pretty sleep deprived today! I'm tired, but Jane and I went to Kodiak Coffee I had a flake which was yummy! We talked which was nice. I pointed out some things to her about SSB, like the lack of Braille bUsiness cards and she said she'd think about that. She's the lead teacher for St. Paul's Vision Program and my transition person. We talked about ACB vs. NFB stuff and I was surprised to hear her opinions. She and I agree in many ways. Her impressions of NFB as a sightee were interesting. We filled out some surveys about interests and stuff. It's interesting how this junk with my foot has made me change my interests. I haven't given up anything, but I have gained an interest and empathy in the medical area. Even though I'm scared of doctors, and somewhat wary anywhere near a doctor's office, I think I could help others in my same boat. I'm starting to be interested in the mind body stuff and alternative medical stuff. Traditional stuff isn't seeming to help me. But neither has orthodics or chiropractic in regards to my foot. I'm thinking of having mom read this book about acupressure and explain the pressure points to me. Maybe that would help. But I'm wondering if I couldn't help people in situations like mine? Provide some help? I know I wish I knew people who'd dealt with this same thing. At convention this weekend I met people who have been in my same boat in regards to blindness, and it's helped me more than I can say! I now remember what I've been missing since national convention. I can't let that happen again!

Tonight I have prayer group, and that will be good. Focusing on someone elses problems and praying for them will help me take the focus off myself. And I'll at least be helping other people. That's one thing I want to do more of. Someone once said when choosing a career, be free of the need to help. But if I do that, I'll be dead inside. I know I want to be alive. Who was it that said "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive because the world needs people that come alive."

My cane came today. I wish it would have come on Friday so I wouldn't have had to take an NFB cane to convention. That was embarrassing!

I really need to write about my experiences, but I don't know how to do that. It was so awesome, I had difficulty working it into my notes. I wrote a summary, to go along with the pages of pages of notes I took. I'll emboss it all later and three hole punch it and put it in my binder. It'll be a nice written record.

Although I'm not having luck subscribing to the ACBM list. I'll look for it on yahoogroups for the info. I'm pretty embarrassed that I messed it up when I typed it in my notes. Oh well. That's life right? I'm going to close for now, and add more after the tour and then get this into the actually LJ.

* * *

Okay, I lived. I'm feeling really shaky and sick probably because it's 7:10 PM and I haven't eaaten since lunch and I sometimes have issues with getting too hungry. Oh well, I'll live. The tour was okay. The officer was really nice. Have has a sister who's blind. So he was very good about the whole blindness thing. I was concerned about having my cane taken away. But it didn't happen. I asked him about inmates with disabilities. He said that they wouldn't be allowed to have the cane, but that assistance could be provided. Over all, he was really helpful. I won't get into talking about the teacher that was with us. He hasn't had me in class, and it showed. He was trying to be helpful, but too much information. And I felt like he was treating me like I had no intelligence. I wish I'd known that my personal law teacher was coming tomorrow, I'd have gone with her. It would've worked better.

It was a little too taxing for me. My foot hurt too much before, and now it's worse and I'm exhausted! Maybe once we get our food I'll feel better, but the sensory overload won't go away. Too more smells, sounds and such!

Okay, I've eaten, and I do feel somewhat better, but my stomach i; upset which is most likely because I started thinking about Thursday. I don't know why I'm so scared, I know pretty much what to expect, but doctors scare the crapola out of me, and I don't want to deal with doing this again. I wish I could get over this stupid anxiety, but I can't so until this stuff is over I'm going to need to get used to dealing with the fear and uncertainty and getting ticked off at my Mom when she brings up that I need to get well so I can go to dance. I hate hearing that, I want to dance so bad! I miss it a lot. I hate it when she states the obvious and it's something I love doing.

In a way, these partial explansions of feelings are good, but not always helpful. Maybe over MEA break I'll make a private entry talking through it all. I felt so good about myself and able to handle it this weekend. Why do I immediately go back to not feeling okay in the sighted world? Why do I not trust many people at school. Why have I lost touch with my friends from church? Why do I care that I'm an outsider accept on ASP? These questions don't have answers, and if they do, they must be hidden in an Algebra book which I will never be able to understand. I will get a d plus in these answers just like I did in Algebra. But if I knew, I'd have no reason to strive for a better way. So I will keep searching for the proverbial needle in a hay stack. Somehow this is not comforting. But little is lately. This weekend was a slice out of heaven. I didn't have to doubt myself, and I wasn't judged or belittled either. I felt as though I could actually be somebody and go somewhere. I will fight to continue believing that. I will fight to keep remembering that I don't have to be perfect and I probably won't ever be.

All this thinking is making me more exhausted than I already am. So I think I'll try to get this ready for posting and hopeful get home so I can do that.


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