September 18th, 2003

Cut cuddle and be Cute


I woke up at 1 AM! I'm so tired!! I can't stand being so tired! My foot woke me up and I couldn't get to sleep again. But maybe I'll get some pain relief tomorrow. I was thinking about it when a good friend said that they knew someone who'd had something done, and they got much better. I can't even remember what it's like to be pain free! But when I am, I'll be really happy!!
I keep thinking about what it would be like to dance again without feeling pain. What it would be like to sleep without drugs. To run... The list goes on.
I'm pretty wrung out right now, so getting a normal life will be nice. I'm hoping for the best. I'm honestly surprised at how understanding people have been. The doctor understands what it's like, and I think he wants to help me get my life back. Teachers and friends have offered reassuring comments. I'm not so scared of the actual procedure as I am of not knowing what's going on. If they should decide to sedate me, would I wake up and have no one to tell me where I was? If they don't, would I be left alone afterwords? If I had to go into a recovery room, would I know that they were moving me and where. It's the little control freak showing her head again. I still have memories of feeling isolated in the hospital when I had the cornia transplant. I remember trying to sleep with bright lights shining at me and people talking. I don't remember if they were talking to me for sure, but I don't think so. But I'm too old to be concerned about that I guess, but I don't care. This is my journal, and I'm going to type all of my feelings out here.
But I've completely drained myself right now. I'm going to check on some stocks. I'll talk to everyone later.


  • Current Mood
    extremely exhausted