September 15th, 2003

Cut cuddle and be Cute


Well, as everyone knows, tomorrow is the critical appointment, the first Pain Clinic appointment. I'm not too nervous right now. I hope that stays with me tomorrow. I'm relatively calm right now about everything, but the pain in my foot is pretty bad. I'm praying, and being prayed for.
I'm still having a hard time vocalizing my feelings though. I was talking to a friend, I still don't know if he knows about Dakota. How can I tell him? And why can't I vocalize this stuff? Why can't I write my questions? This is the same thing that happened two years ago. I didn't want to face that I was angry. Well, I'm not angry, I don't know what I am, but I fear that if I let my questions out they'll hurt me or someone else. I know that's not true, but I still feel that way. Maybe I'll just get up the courage to admit that I don't know why I have to go through the death of my dog, and I don't like it, and it still hurts when I think to myself "Oh, I'll just take a break and play with..." Or "Oh, I should go wake up..." Or stuff like that. I'm glad I'm not numb, but it's still hard when I feel as if given the oppertunity I'd start to cry. I feel like I want to find some way to let out all of that sadness.

Well, I should go!


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