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A colision of emotions

I'm not able to write much lately, partially because I don't know what to write, partially because of the unrelenting pain (a sympathetic block only helped for a day), and partially because of homework. I think if I were able to blog, and get through some of the emotional fall out of some of what I'm dealing with, I would be more productive. I think I'm literally fighting upstream, and the water rushing at me is blocking my progress.

I'm still working on my paper on RSD, and I'm enjoying learning more. I feel like I'm taking better ownership of knowing about my condition. But I'm not finding the magic bullet I irrationally hoped to find buried among the last hits of
Google Scholar
I'm also really alarmed by the fact that the block only worked for a day. Usually I get a little relief for longer. But they are going to try a different type of block (did I write about that yet?). It's an epidural infusion for a few hours. So, part of me is hopeful that it will help.

It might also help if I came clean about something that happened two weeks ago. I haven't wanted to write about it, and I don't really know why. Part of it is still the fear of criticism. Even though I advocate for pedestrian safety, and I know that Julio and I performed to the best of our abilities (though i couldn't pivot fast enough), I still fear criticism.. I was hit by a car on the way back from Brewberry's two weeks ago today. Julio wasn't injured. I got a deep tissue bruise and a sprained ankle on my good leg. I'm really lucky that I wasn't hurt worse. No, I didn't go to the doctor, I didn't really have time because of school. It's not something I can analyze completely, either, because there were no sighted witnesses, except Julio. It happened in a driveway, and Julio turned me to the left to try to get out of the way of the car. That's why it was only damage to my good side, and only minor damage. I know I'm lucky... very lucky.

The driver never stopped to see if I was okay. And the only people I talked to said they hadn't seen the hit because they had just come out of a building.

It honestly didn't hit me (punn definitely not intended) as fully right away. I mean, it did, in the sense that I only went outside with a friend for the first two days, and I did tell a few friends about it. But I didn't acknowledge it fully emotionally. I also lied about how much my right leg hurt, and even a few days later when my whole body was stiff and sore, I actually didn't connect it until a friend said "Could it be because you got hit by a car?" I'm lucky I have friends who are willing to confront my denial, but who do it in ways I can accept. If I downplayed my feelings to you,, please accept my appology. I honestly think it's hard to accept the intense emotions that came with this.

One way of rationalizing denial for me was to say "I know friends who got hurt way way worse than me. Since I'm walking around, it's not that bad, and I should just deal with it." The key words in that statement should be "deal with it", not "deny it happened" "downplay your pain" "invalidate your own reactions to this" or whatever else I did in the last few weeks.

Another fear I've had is what if the RSD spreads to my other leg because of this? How will I function with that? I know that that is a possibility. But I don't want to stress out over that. I know that stress is a flare-triggerer for me. But even if I try to handle that reaction calmly (which I've sort of? done), I've had other stressors. It's called the end of the semester coming up, for anyone who wants to know. Luckily, the swelling has gone down in my right ankle, and the bruise has decreased as well.

There are other things I can't blog right now. And I realize that this may not be the highest quality of writing. But I do think that it has helped me to unburden a bit. I apreciate the indulgence of anyone who's read to the end of this.

Comments

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3kitties
Apr. 29th, 2007 04:23 am (UTC)
[hugs]
I'm glad to see you writing about this. Incidents like this are never easy to handle emotionally, and I can imagine that when you have in mind the possibility of RSD spreading that just adds to the emotional upheaval. If you need to talk about anything, feel free to Skype or MSN me. [hugs]
puppybraille
Apr. 29th, 2007 08:57 pm (UTC)
Re: [hugs]
Thank you. I've definitely kept your offer in mind. Right now, I'm deep in the research paper, so haven't had much time for anything that isn't assigned by a professor. I'll finish this paper if it kills me, then have time to manage other things.
kittytech
Apr. 29th, 2007 11:17 am (UTC)
Hey. I've missed reading your entries. I had a similar experience with a car once while crossing a street. There were people around but they didn't try to see if I was okay or help get a plate number or anything. It got my left hip, and I had a lot of pain for a while. I think more than the pain though was the feeling that I should have been able to stop it from happening, and I lost some confidence in my travel skills for a while because I was always wondering if it was going to happen again. Finally though I realized that it could have happened to anybody, and I started thinking about all the successful travel I'd done. The first time I did the route successfully after I was hit was probably one of the best things for getting my confidence back. I live by an intersection now where cars tend not to always watch for pedestrians despite the fact that there's an elementary school right there, and there have been several accidents and many people have been hit. One person who was hit will no longer travel independently because he was shaken so badly. I always thought that it was really sad that he stopped, but he was afraid to go back out. Everyone's different, but I really believe that for me, getting back out there was the best thing I could have done. Good luck, and I'm sorry it happened.
puppybraille
Apr. 29th, 2007 08:54 pm (UTC)
I've done the route alone twice now. Today I walked back with someone else because I didn't have a cell phone, (forgot to put it on the charger), but I have walked it both ways, and I was pretty proud of myself for doing it.

I still feel shaken by it, but I just bite my lip and do it... I'm sorry you've experienced this also.
nu7i
Apr. 29th, 2007 08:40 pm (UTC)
Auto-pedestrian accident!
Well, most certainly, you won't get any argument or criticism from me. As you may know, I was also hit by a truck while crossing a street. Fortunately for me, the driver stopped and I was able to get at least a small amount of justice from the situation, In your case, I would strongly urge you to file a police report, even though the loser didn't stop. Once the loser doesn't stop, it becomes more of a criminal issue rather than just an accident, since leaving the scene of an accident is most assuredly against the law! This is definitely something I worry about; blind people being hit by sighted idiots who are supposed to be watching what they are doing, then simply running away. It would be nice if there were some sort of reasonably high-definition, omni-directional portable camera we could wear for the purpose of capturing issues like this, and many other things too, for not only reporting to the authorities but also just publishing on the net. Wouldn't it be neat if we could even more effectively document not only accidents but also other things like instances of discrimination? Oh, well, nobody should be criticizing you over this stuff! So, yeah, definitely file that police report, contact the local media and consult your docs to see if they do believe there's any relationship. Anytime someone does something to you, whether it is an accident like this or a crime, you certainly should reported it immediately to the proper authorities, just in case something can be done about it!

I know it is a much more serious situation and all, but I often wonder why people don't report things that can significantly impact their lives. These wonderings are certainly not intended as any sort of criticism. But, cases like domestic violence and rape are also incredibly under-reported. By the time the victim may decide to go after the issue, much of the evidence is gone and there's little or nothing that can be done. I'm sorry to hear you got hit. I'm afraid these incidents are just going to become more and more common. We shouldn't have to worry about getting hurt, after all, aren't the sighted supposed to be able to see? Grrr!
puppybraille
Apr. 29th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC)
Re: Auto-pedestrian accident!
I thought about reporting it. The problem for me wass that there were no witnesses, and absolutely no way to identify the driver. I'm hoping that the rSD will not spread, but I did make a nurse aware of the incident on Thursday when I had the unsuccessful block.

I may try to bring it up on Thursday, if there is time, but I suspect they are squeezing me in... It's amazing that I got in as soon as I did for the block I had Thursday. It was only available because they had a cancelation. But I digress...

I like your idea about a camera. And I wish I'd thought of using my cell phone's camera to try for a picture. It's a feature I'd like to learn how to use.

Anyway, thanks for your comment.
bioinstructor
Apr. 30th, 2007 05:57 am (UTC)
Hang in there!
I know it's tough, being near the end of the semester, I'm counting down days, too.

You know, your writing doesn't have to be at a certain standard--this is your blog--and as far as I know, there aren't a bunch of blog police out there waiting for you to write a crazy entry. :-) (I'm going for silly here).

Journaling, writing, blogging...whatever you call it, it's designed to help you. I have two suggestions for you: (1) pray! God is in control, and he's got the best shoulder, the strongest arms, the most love, and the best advice! Take time to read your Bible, and pray, every day, no matter how crazy it is--it really, honestly, makes a difference.

Secondly, if writing helps you deal with the emotions, the stress, and life in general, then write--even if you make entries private, write. You need to get rid of as much stress as you can, through the means healthy for you. You are a great writer, and I can tell it is how you deal best with life--so I'm encouraging you to write.

Oh, one last thought: You shouldn't fear criticism for living your life to the best of your abilities. Nobody is perfect, and the expression "He without sin should cast the first stone..." holds true here. You shouldn't fear what others say--because in doing this, you are giving them power over you, power that should be kept. You are a gifted, intelligent young woman, dealing with two very different disabilities. What you do comfortably and for your own comfort should be yours to handle, and other people shouldn't judge. Now, I know that doesn't mean they won't judge--but remember, there's only one person's opinion that matters, and that is God--and He loves you, He created you, and He sent His only Son to die for you--so I think you're pretty cool in His world.

Smile, and e-mail me if you need/want to talk more. I'm sorry, I don't mean for this to sound like one of those "Preaching to the Choir" type things--but I just felt I needed to comment.
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