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Pushing through

I know, I was planning to blog right after getting home all about CSUN, and the various sessions I went to. Unfortunately, I haven't succeeded in doing that. Pain control has been iffy, and I've felt discouraged about that. I always feel like if I can't manage the pain well enough, it's my fault. I would never feel that way about someone else, but I have a tendency to be very very hard on myself.

The thing of it is that I can't concentrate well at all. I'm feeling like I'm on a pain roller-coaster, and it's hard to concentrate when the highs are so high on the pain scale, and the lows are only somewhat lower. I am not sure what the next step is. I will have to say something at my next appointment at the pain center. That is very hard for me to do. It is incredibly hard for me to speak up and say "this hurts too much" or "I need to figure out something different".

I do know that I was a lot smarter this year at CSUN. I learned from last year, and tried to somewhat minimize my use of the stairs, though this didn't cut it out completely. I used vans when I was going from or to the hotel where most of the aging stuff was held. I tried to shift positions somewhat frequently and not sit or stand for too long. I used heat patches behind my knee to get the pain down to a level where I could sleep. I used relaxation exercises to try to calm down my reactions to pain. But there are things I can't control. I can't control security making me take off my shoes. I can't control the discomfort of flying. I can't control the busy atmosphere of CSUN. And the outcome was similar, though I kept all of my stomach contents where it belonged. Still, i have to admit to struggling with all of this.

It is really hard to focus on class when your foot and leg are screaming at you. It is hard to be fun to be around when what you relaly want to do is figure out a "do-it-yourself" nerve block. And I've been dealing with being really really really in pain since the surgery. Everything is structurally okay, so I know it's just the RSD. I have to figure out a good way of communicating all of this at the pain center when I go in a few weeks. It is much easier to communicate someone else's situation (like in a social work case study), or write down my own than it is to actually say something in person. But I believe that there is still some hope for me to feel better, though I don't really know what option will be chosen. And I'm determined not to give in. Some days, though, I just have to vent and be honest.

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