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One can't even relax accessibly

Well, it's not really that bad. But it felt close. I actually did do okay today in relaxation, where we talked about selective awareness (almost fell asleep). I will note, however, that my pain is worse than before the session. And this is supposed to be a pain management technique?

I fear my twisted sense of humor is going to get me fired at the first social work job I get... But that's a whole other issue. Anyway, I'm noticing that selective awareness works somewhat well, but RSD gets its revenge. "You ignored me, now I will kick the pain tolerance out of you!". Right now, I imagine RSD as this big dude who knows kung fu (probably mis-spelled that). But anyway... I am usually pretty good at imagining the things described on the tapes. I may be unable to see a bird, but I can here it, for example. But how do I focus on a point on the ceiling?

Over Christmas, I will be starting to work on this idea. I really want to explore the implications of pain and other symptoms on people who are blind. I will start by writing about it, then, if I decide to stay in the honors program, maybe I can explore these concepts through research. It's a start, anyway. If I can't turn my questions and curiosities into something positive, then what am I here for?

Despite my initial frustrations with some of the visual aspects of this, and the minor aspect of the tape not helping my pain now, I did find it very relaxing. What I'd becurious to know is if listening to that now, or when I'm experiencing slightly worsening pain, would help. It did give me a break, and anyone with RSD knows how important those little breaks can be. What I want to know is if that can be harnessed and used differently, or in an even more productive way. Productive probably isn't the word here, but you get the picture.

If all of what I want to do gets done the way I want to do it, I will have a blog post about some of the techniques I'm learning and trying to put into practice in regards to relaxation. I think it's an extremely important skill. It is vital to give oneself permission to not be aware of *everything*. I realized that in trying to know exactly what's going on, I tend to stress. I also tend to then miss stuff, so my whole intention doesn't work. But that's a whole different discussion. The whole point is that Right now, I am thinking about everything around me. I am aware of where I am in space (though that perception can be skewed I suspect). I am aware of what I need to do, should some unexpected event (like a fire alarm) happen. That's who I am, but it's also important to incorporate trust and relaxation into my life.

This is why even with the frustration I feel about not being able to do all of the exercises correctly, I'm still glad that I took this class. It's teaching me how to give myself a break, which is probably more important than I'm willing to admit.

Now that I've totally gone deeper than I was planning on going, I'm going to go warm up some food for dinner, and make friends with three
LidoDerm patches. Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, it's very cold outside.

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