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The day thus far

I seem to be forgetting less and less as the days go by. This is very very good. We had a discussion today on the agressive egg, but since I blush when I talk about stuff like that, we're not going to go to far with that are we? Good! Now that we've got that all settled.
I didn't do as well as I'd have liked on my psychology test (a C), but I didn't fail and the grade went up after a discussion with the professor. I just hate it when I don't do well on tests. My professor was nice, but I still feel like I've failed a ton of people because I got a C. I don't even think that explanation is right. Maybe it's just the disappointment...
Had coffee with a friend which is always nice.
Came back here and cried again. I'm just really feeling the pressure right now and like I have to prove everything to everyone. I don't feel like I can really relax. This makes more sense to me now. In my dreams where I embarrass myself, I am usually relaxed.
TRW I've already talked about. French was okay.
I'm just tired of making mistakes (little ones are as annoying and painful to me as the big ones).
I just wish, for I could feel good that I'd completed something and done it well. I've got so many loose ends in my life right now...
The pain level is high because Julio here decided to skip a few stairs and my feet crashed down on the floor. Then I fell on my butt. And someone noticed.
I don't know why I feel so bad about screw ups. I just do. If I could be okay with how and who I am even when I make mistakes and life feels out of control, it would make life a lot simpler. I don't like how I go through life feeling like criticism is around the next corner. It isn't healthy most likely. The stuff that happened to me two summers ago probably contributed to that. In so many ways, I don't feel like I'm even close to being mature enough for all of this. I don't feel like I'm handling the responsibilities well enough. I think I must be somewhat of a type A personality. I want to do well. But the sad thing is, I don't even care about doing well for myself. It's the other people I'm worried about. I have to do well for them. Like a labrador retriever... I do want to succeed for myself. I want to succeed so badly that I focus on the obstacles too much and when I feel like I'm not handling things well enough, I just kind of freak.
Part of the problem is that I've heard several comments lately about how amazing it is that I'm in college. People are so inspired by that. I want to show them that blindness doesn't have to be an obstacle to college entrance or success.
I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this today...
Maybe things will feel better in the morning.
I also want to clarify that I'm okay. Just truggling, but okay. I just probably have been pushing myself too hard in the wrong areas. Once I let go of some tensions, I'll be better.
Hugs!
Nickie

Comments

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(Anonymous)
Nov. 8th, 2005 03:31 am (UTC)
Thoughts
Wow. Reading this entry made me think back to my cornea transplant, and my first semester. I honestly would never want to go back to that point in my life! I wanted to be on my own, and loved every minute of it, but I was so light-sensitive that there were days I just stayed in bed because I couldn't tollerate the light. That meant skipping classes. I told myself that it was all right because I could go to the library and get taped copies of my Psychology class, and I could catch up in my other courses. Unfortunately for me, I got really overwhelmed, and really super far behind. On top of that, I was working part-time in the cafeteria as a dishwasher. Let me tell you, that was absolutely disgusting, but it gave me a little extra spending money. Unfortunately, the lights in the kitchen, and being on my feet so much really didn't help. Then, after the transplant, the graft rejected, and I got myself further behind. I ended up dropping some classes, and then I decided it was time to sit down and evaluate my current position. I went and saw a counselor several times, and with his help I came to a conclusion. I'm the youngest of 5 kids, and both my parents were teachers. My entire life I was told that I'd go to college, and it was just expected of me. I wanted to take a year off after high school and my dad said that if I did I'd never go back, so I went because I felt I had to be there. I realized though that I was there for all the wrong reasons, so after my first semester I took time off to learn who I was and what I wanted out of my life. I'm telling you this not because I think you should drop out of school or anything like that, but because, like you, I felt I had to live up to the expectations of others, or be this "super blind person". When I started to think about what I needed instead of what I felt was expected of me I felt a lot better. I think that was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with right after high school, but I made it through, and you will too. One tip that you might want to think about if you don't do it all ready. Even if you've got a ton of work to do, take one night a week, put the books away, and do something totally unrelated. That one night gives you a chance to go back with a slightly fresher mind, and by taking that time, either by yourself or with friends, you're giving yourself permission to have some fun. The last thing you want to do is burn yourself out in your first semester. Good luck, and keep writing.

Caroline
katia_chan
Nov. 8th, 2005 08:12 pm (UTC)
"Be yourself, because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind." Dr. Suess

Sorry i'm late commenting, and forgive my bad cliches.

Cheer up babe!

Phone me soon, k?
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